Military Humour very very funny 23 images

 

South Super Star Rajnikant's Trigonometry in Physics mast images

 

English Language very funny humor

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

 

In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?

 

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

 

Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

 

Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?

 

In what other language do thay call the third hand on the clock the second hand?

 

Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?

 

Why - in our crazy language - can your nose run and your feet smell?

 

Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:

 

If olive oil is made of olives, what do they make baby oil from?

 

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?

 

A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings.

 

But fingers don't fing and grocers don't groce.

 

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?

 

If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught?

 

If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameless and shameful behavior the same?

 

English is a language in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a light in;

 

In which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down.

 

In which your nose can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down, in which you can fill in a form by filling out a form and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.

 

English is a crazy language. What is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible?; and why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?

 

 

Translations for Men - Humor

Translations for Men

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say!

 

IT'S A GUY THING
Translated:* There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

 

CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?
Translated:* Why isn't it already on the table?

 

UH HUH, SURE, HONEY, OR YES, DEAR
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

 

IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN
Translated:* I have no idea how it works.

 

TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD.
Translated:* I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

 

THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR.
Translated:* Are you still talking?

 

YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.
Translated:* I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned but I forgot your birthday.

 

OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
Translated:* I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.

 

HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING.
Translated:* And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

 

I CAN'T FIND IT.
Translated:* It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.

 

WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?
Translated:* What did you catch me at?

 

I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.
Translated:* No one will ever see us alive again.

 

WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.
Translated:* I make the messes; she cleans them up.

Political Correctness - VERY FUNNY HUMOR

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES. " You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS.
 
And furthermore. ..
 
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
 
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
 
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3 She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. "
 
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION."
 
5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
 
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
 
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
 
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
 
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
 
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. "
 
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
 
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL A**" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
 
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

 

 

NY Times ad posting ( VERY FUNNY HUMOR )

THE POSTED LISTING

 

What am I doing wrong?

 

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.

 

I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

 

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a businessman who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock.

 

250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right?

 

How do I get to her level?

 

Here are my questions specifically:

 

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

 

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

 

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

 

- Why! are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

 

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

 

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

 

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way.

 

Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

 

It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

 

PostingID: 432279810

 

THE ANSWER

 

Dear Pers-431649184:

 

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.

 

Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

 

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal.

 

Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money.

 

Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

 

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset.

 

Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you! So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold , hence the rub, marriage.

 

It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following.

 

If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

 

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets.

 

So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

 

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

 

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way but in trading terms this is a classic "pump and dump."

 

I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know

 

 

Please tell me Why - Humor

WHY (can anyone give the answers)

 

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

 

2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

 

3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

 

4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

 

5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

 

6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

 

7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

 

8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 

9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lips"?

 

10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

 

11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

 

12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

 

13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

 

14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

15 Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

 

16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

 

17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

 

18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

 

19. In Winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in Summer, when we complained about the heat in Summer?

 

20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

 

Top 10 Most Stupid Questions and answers - HUMOR

Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations :

 

1.) At the movies:

 

 

 

When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .....

 

 

 

Stupid Question :- Hey, what are you doing here?

 

 

 

Answer :- Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

 

******

2.) In the bus:

 

 

 

A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

 

 

 

Stupid Question :- Sorry, did that hurt?

 

 

 

Answer :- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.

 

******

 

 

3.) At a funeral:

 

 

 

One of the teary-eyed people ask...

 

 

 

Stupid Question :- Why, why him, of all people.

 

 

 

Answer :- Why? Would it rather have been you?

******

4.) At a restaurant:

 

 

 

When you ask the waiter

 

 

 

Stupid Question :- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??

 

 

 

Answer :- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

 

******

5.) At a family get-together:

 

 

 

When some distant aunt meets you after years

 

 

 

Stupid Question :- Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.

 

 

 

Answer :- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

******

6.) When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

 

 

 

Stupid Question :- Is the guy you're marrying good?

 

 

 

Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.

 

******

7.) When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

 

 

 

Stupid Question :- Sorry. Were you sleeping?

 

 

 

Answer :- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or

 

 

 

Not. You thought I was sleeping.... You dumb witted moron.

 

******

8.) When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

 

 

 

Stupid Question :- Hey have you had a haircut?

 

 

 

Answer :- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..

 

******

9.) At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...

 

 

 

Stupid Question :- Tell me if it hurts?

 

 

 

Answer :- No it wont. It will just bleed.

******

10.) You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...

 

 

 

Stupid Question :- Oh, so you smoke.

 

 

 

Answer :- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

 

 

For Your Eyes Only - MUST READ INFORMATION

 

Eyes Are the most complex organs you possess except for your brain. 

 

Eyes Are composed of more than two million working parts. 

 

Eyes Can process 36,000 bits of information every hour. 

 

Eyes Under the right conditions, can discern the light of a candle at a distance of 14 miles. 

 

Eyes Contribute towards 85% of your total knowledge.

 

 

 

Eyes Utilize 65% of all the pathways to the brain. 

 

Eyes Can instantaneously set in motion hundreds of muscles and organs in your body. 

 

Eyes In a normal life-span, will bring you almost 24 million images of the world around you. 

 

Eyes The external muscles that move the eyes are the strongest muscles in the human body for the job that they have to do. They are 100 times more powerful than they need to be. 

 

Eyes The adult eyeball measures about 1 inch (2.5 cm) in diameter. Of its total surface area only one-sixth is exposed -- the front portion. 

 

Eyes The eye is the only part of the human body that can function at 100% ability at any moment, day or night, without rest. Your eyelids need rest, the external muscles of your eyes need rest, the lubrication of your eyes requires replenishment, but your eyes themselves "never" need rest. But please rest them! 

 

Eyes Eyes are your most precious sense... care for them properly!

 

 

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends - HUMOR MUST READ

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

 

        
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.

 

Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

 

        
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

 

 

 

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

 

        
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

 

 

 

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

 

        
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.

 

 

 

It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered

 

        
It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives

 

        
If u r married please ignore this MSG,

 

 

 

For everyone else: Happy Independence Day

 

        
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.

 

 

 

After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.

 

        
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage

 

        
Galfriends r like chocolates,
Taste gud anytime.

 

 

 

Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Wife r like Dal RICE, eaten when there`s no choice

 

        
Man receives telegram: Wife deadshould be buried or cremated?

 

 

 

Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

 

        
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?

 

 

 

Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

 

       
Q: Why dogs don't marry?

 

 

 

A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

 

        
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.

 

 

 

       
Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

 

 

 

        
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?

 

 

 

A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

 

 

24 Sweet Hrs - GOOD MORNING SMS

24 sweet hrs make 1 sweet day,
7 sweet day make 1 sweet week,
4 sweet weeks make 1 sweet month,
But sweet person like u makes a whole life sweet.

 

...sweet morning

 

 

               * * *

 

Fly in the plane of Ambition & Land in the Airport of Success...

 

Luck is yours,Wish is mine...
May Ur future always shine... Good Morning....

 

 

               * * *

 

An ideal day should begin with a cute little yawn on ur face,

 

A cup of coffe in ur hand & a msg from me on ur mobile...

 

Have a great day! Good morning.

 

 

             * * *

 

 

 

Morning greetings doesn't only mean saying Good Morning,

 

It has a silent message saying: I remember you when I wake up! Have a nice day!

 

 

 

 

Exam Special ( Funny Humor )

Three Examinations special

 

1) Special offer........ Bring a chit on exam day, scratch and show it to your nearest teacher and win free trip to Principal's office and enjoy 3 years vacation at home.

 

Hurry offer valid until exams only....

 

2) It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write our exam once (excluding supplementary). Join us in promoting the noble cause of saving trees.

 

Say NO to EXAMS

 

3) Student's declaration at the end of answer paper. It Reminds me of Disclaimer Notices!

 

"I hereby declare that answers written above r true 2 the best of mine & my friend's knowledge & I claim no responsibility whatsoever 4 any mistakes. Whatever I have written is truly fictitious & any resemblance with the Subject Matter is purely Coincidental."

 

 

application for election of lokshaba

 

 

 

Funny Rhyming Couplets HUMOR

A local newspaper (in England) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line...

But the least romantic second line.

 

Here are some of the entries they received.

 

My feelings for you no words can tell,

 

Except for maybe "go to hell"  

 

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

 

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. 

 

Oh loving beauty you float with grace

 

If only you could hide your face 

 

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

 

This describes everything you are not 

 

I want to feel your sweet embrace

 

But don't take that paper bag off of your face 

 

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -

 

Damn, I'm good at telling lies! 

 

I see your face when I am dreaming.

 

That's why I always wake up screaming 

 

My love, you take my breath away.

 

What have you stepped in to smell this way

 

 

Murphy's laws on girls..... FUNNY HUMOR MUST READ BY GUYS

Murphy's law

1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that

 

2. the nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!

 

3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...

 

4. "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company.".................100% true

 

5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.

 

6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now ,when you are committed..

 

7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.

 

8. Theory of relativity......

 

The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...

 

9. Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend( I guess from Kumbh ka Mela)

 

Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1

 

Axiom 1: The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things work out, but ultimately it will (somesmile for the guys)

 

10. the day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-

 

1. You are dressed badly
2. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
3.Have a bad hair day

 

11. all the good girls are either nuns or married .the rest go around with u and ruin ur money,health and leave u a total wreck.

 

12. the more seriously u like a girl...the more seriously her dad will hate u

 

13. the love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you

 

 

Cute Questions Asked by Kids ( MUST READ HUMOR )

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"

 

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

 

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

 

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

 

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" 
"You're both old," he replied.

 

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

 

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

 

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

 

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "mine says I'm four to six."

 

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

 

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

 

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs,"
she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants...

 

 

 

 

Life Before Computers HUMOR

An application was for employment

 

A program was a TV show

 

A cursor used profanity

 

And a keyboard was on a piano!

 

Memory was something that you lost with age

 

And a CD was a bank account

 

And if you had a corrupted disk

 

It would hurt when you found out!

 

Compress was what you did to garbage

 

Not something you did to a file

 

And if you unzipped anything in public

 

You'd be in jail for a while!

 

Log on was adding wood to a fire

 

A hard drive was a trip on the road

 

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

 

And a backup happened to the commode!

 

Cutting, you did with a pocket knife,

 

Pasting, you did with glue.

 

The Web was where a spider lived

 

And a virus was the flu!

 

Jindagi aap jaise dosto ki amanat hai - shayris

1)Kai raaz aise hote hai jo kahe ni jate,
Kai dil aise hote hai jo tode ni jate,
Aur kuch ap jaise DOST hote hai jo chode ni jaate..

 

 

 

2)Dil ki hasti bikhar gai hoti,
Aur Ruh ke Zakhm bhar gaye hote,

 

Jindagi aap jaise dosto ki amanat hai,
Varna hum to kabke mar gaye hote...

 

 

 

3)Sabne Kaha Dosti ek dard hai,
Humne kaha dard kabul hai,

 

Sabne kaha is dard ke saath ji nahi paoge,
Humne kaha teri dosti ke sath marna kabul hai..

 

 

 

4)Aisi Dosti hamari ki dil chahye tu har safar har dagar me mile,
Mar bhi jau to pyar rahe kayam aur tu sath wali kabar me mile.

 

 

 

 

 

Quotes To Think Upon... Humor

I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.

 

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

 

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

 

Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.

 

Everything in the world may be endured except continued prosperity.

 

I do not know which makes a man more conservative—to know nothing but the present, or nothing but the past.

 

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

 

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.

 

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

 

A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on.

 

Dance like it hurts,/ Love like you need money,/ Work when people are watching.

 

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.

 

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

 

Everything of importance has been said before by somebody who did not discover it.

 

The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.

 

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

 

A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece.

 

 

You Know you are having a bad day when.. ( FUNNY HUMOR )

You Know you are having a bad day when...

 

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 

 

You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.

 

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

 

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

 

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

 

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.

 

You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.

 

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

 

The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

 

People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.

 

The doctor says you are in fine health for someone twice your age.

 

TRY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY!

 

 

 

 

Perfect Example of Real Organization...HUMOR

 

 

 

 

Funny full forms of Big Companies VERY FUNNY HUMOR MUST READ

1. NIIT : Not Interested in IT

2. WIPRO : Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output

3. HCL : Hidden Costs & Losses

4. TCS : Totally Confusing Solutions

5. INFOSYS :Inferior Offline Systems

6. HUGHES : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping

7. BAAN : Beggars Association and Nerds

8. IBM : Implicitly Boring Machines

9. SATYAM : Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly

10. PARAM : Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors

11. C-DOT : Coffee During Office Timings

12. AT&T : All Troubles & Terrible

13. CMC : Coffee, Meals and Comfort

14. DEC : Drifting & Exhausted Computers

15. BFL : Brainwash First and Let them go

17. TISL : Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd.

18. PSI : Peculiar Symptoms of India

19. ORACLE : On-line Romance And Chatting with Lady Employees.

20. MASTEK: Mad And Stupid Technitians Enroute to Kabaarkhana

21.PATNI : Pathetic Appraisal Techniques, No Increments

 

 

 

5 great people ( MISS U SMS )

5 great people:
1.Bapu
Woh to ab rahe nahi
2.Wasim Akram
Woh kisi kaam ka nahi
3.Aishwarya Rai
Apni pohanch say bahir
4.baqi rahe aap aur hum
So keep in Touch

 

1+1=2 eyes look at u...
12+12=24 hours thinking about u...
3+4=7 days in week missing u...
1+11=12 months I always need A SWEET PERSON like U.

 

Dur na jaaya karo dil tadap jaata hai
Tere hi khayalon me din guzar jaata hai
Aaj puchha hai dil ne ek sawal tumse
Kya dur rehker tumko bhi hamara khayal ata hai

 

 

 

 

 

VEPR Commander, russian Hummer ( CRAZY PICTURES )

 

 

 

 

Santa was very confident it would be a boy

Santa Singh's wife was expecting and the baby was due any day.
Santa was very confident it would be a boy and was looking forward
to the D-day. As fate would have it, he was transferred to another
city and had to join office immediately. Before going,
he asked his father -in-law to send a telegram confirming
birth of his son. But in order to avoid giving party to his
office colleagues, he asks his father -in-law to write "the
watch has arrived" and he will understand that the son is born.


The D-day arrived. His wife delivered a cute little baby girl.
Now Santa's father-in-law didn't know what to do.
If he writes "the watch has arrived" Santa will think he has got a Son.
If he writes " watch has not arrived" Santa will get worried that something serious has happened.
But being a very intelligent person,he finds a solution and sends the telegram.


Santa received the telegram,
opened it eagerly and reads "The watch has arrived, but the pendulum is missing".

great magicians

great magicians
Three world famous magicians were in the bar drinking and boasting abouttheir achievements.
The first one said," During my latest show, I made three women from theaudience disappear, it was so convincing that their relatives startedpanicking, no one could find the trick"
The second one said, " Hey, that is nothing, during one of my open airshows I made the Municipality building disappear and the entire town wassearching for it"
The third one sighed and said," Both of you are so local, I went to Parisand made the Eiffel Tower disappear for a full one hour, it was live on theTV, entire France was searching for the building & no one had a clue".
Just then an Indian walked into the bar and the three magicians suddenlyturned quiet, gave each other fugitive glances and started to slip towardsthe door.
A Bartender watching this got curious and asked one of the magicians, "Heywhat happened ? Who is that guy ? "
One of the magicians whispered, " He is the World's greatest magician, hehas done the biggest disappearing trick of all times, we are all mereamateurs compared with what he has done. His name is Ramalinga Raju. He hasmade USD 1.5 billion disappear from his company's balance sheet in front ofeveryone's eyes, and the entire world is still looking for it "

17 SIGNS OF FALLING IN LOVE

SEVENTEEN:
U LOOK AT THEIR PROFILE/PICTURE CONSTANTLY

SIXTEEN:
WHEN YOUR ON THE PHONE WITH THEM LATE AT NIGHT AND THEY HANG UP, YOU
STILL MISS THEM EVEN WHEN IT WAS JUST TWO MINUTES AGO.

FIFTEEN:
YOU READ THEIR TEXTS or IMS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

FOURTEEN:
YOU WALK REALLY SLOW WHEN YOU'RE WITH THEM

THIRTEEN:
YOU FEEL SHY WHENEVER YOU'RE/THEY' RE AROUND.

ELEVEN:
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THEM, YOUR HEART BEATS FASTER AND SLOWER AT THE
SAME TIME

TEN:
YOU SMILE WHEN YOU HEAR THEIR VOICE.

NINE:
WHEN YOU lOOK AT THEM, YOU CAN'T SEE THE OTHER PEOPLE AROUND YOU, All
YOU SEE IS HIM//HER.

EIGHT:
YOU START LISTENING TO SLOW SONGS, WHILE THINKING OF THEM

SEVEN:
THEY'RE ALL YOU THINK ABOUT.

SIX:
YOU GET HIGH JUST FROM THEIR SCENT.

FIVE:
YOU REALlIZE THAT YOU'RE AlWAYS SMILING TO YOURSELF WHEN YOU THINK
ABOUT THEM.

FOUR:
YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR THEM, OR ANYTHING TO SEE THEM.

THREE:
WHILE READING THIS, THERE WAS ONE PERSON ON YOUR MIND THE WHOLE TIME...

TWO:
YOU WERE SO BUSY THINKING ABOUT THAT PERSON, YOU DIDN'T NOTICE NUMBER
TWELVE.

ONE:
YOU JUST SCROLLED UP TO CHECK & ARE NOW SILENTLY LAUGHING AT YOURSELF.

 

 

IF YOU DIDN'T NOTICE NUMBER 12, POST THIS AS: "17 signs of falling in
LOVE."

AND THE PERSON WHO WAS IN UR MIND IS UR LOVE.. IT'S TRU, WHETHER U
BELIEVE IT OR NOT.. SO GO & TELL THAT PERSON THAT HOW MUCH U LOVE HIM/HER,
IF U HAVN'T TOLD YET.... ALL D BEST 4 UR LUV LIFE..

 

 

 

Different types of Marketting

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich.
"Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing..."

 

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says: "He's very rich.
"Marry him." -That's Advertising..."

 

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and get her telephone number. The next day, you
call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich.
"Marry me - That's Telemarketing..."

 

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up
and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour
her a drink, you open the door (of the car)"Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations..."

 

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and says:"You are very rich!
"Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition..."

 

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you
a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback..."

 

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she
introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap..."

 

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say anything, another person come
and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she
goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share..."

 

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your
wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets..."

 

Continue reading....

 

 

Gibraltar's airport just have look

Gibraltar's airport

 

 

 

 

Have u ever seen the calendar for September 1752

 

If you are working in Unix, try this out. At $ prompt, type: cal 9 1752 Surprised??? ?

Not only in UNIX, u can also search it in google
 
A month with whole of eleven days missing - This was the time England shifted from Roman Julian Calendar to the Gregorian Calendar, and the king of England ordered those 11 days to be wiped off the face of the month of September of 1752. (What couldn't a King do in those days?!) And yes, the workers worked for 11 days less, but got paid for the entire 30 days. And that's how "Paid Leave" was born. Hail the King!!!

The World's First Flying Hotel

 

 

 

 

The Hotelicopter features 18 luxuriously-appointed rooms for adrenaline junkies seeking a truly unique and memorable travel experience.
Each soundproofed room is equipped with a queen-sized bed, fine linens, a mini-bar, coffee machine, wireless internet access, and all the luxurious appointments you'd expect from a flying five star hotel. Room service is available one hour after liftoff and prior to landing." The Hotelicopter is due to fly maiden journey this summer(June 26th) with an undisclosed price...
If you are interested,There is three fly tour.

Inaugural Summer Tour - 14 days (Friday, June 26th, 2009 - Friday, July 10th, 2009)

California Tour - 14 days (Friday, July 17th, 2009 to Friday, July 24rd, 2009)
Bay/Jamaica, European Tour - 16 days (Friday, July 31st, 2009 to Sunday, August 16th, 2009)

 

 

 

18+ Funny SMS

Husband:- ne sasural me biwi se : chalo sex karte hain
Biwi : nahi ye mere baap ka ghar hai
Husband :- tho kya mere baap ka ghar red light area hai jo to roz
Taiyar ho jati hai.

 
Sardar go 4 sex with wife
Wife – please aaj mat karo, mera upwas hai..
Sardar gusse se => bhenchod mere l**d pe kya aata laga hai,
Jo upwas tut jayega >

Suhagrat ko pati ne patni se pucha " kya mehsus kar rahi ho ?"
Patni = aaj tak top_up me kam chalet the aaj se life time karwa liya.
 
Hone wali bahu ko dekhne aaye sasur ne kaha beti chai aati hai.
Ladki boli chutiye mujhe abhi tak dudh nahi aata. Chai kya ghanta aayegi

Ek budha blue film dekhte huyejor se haath ko jatka dene laga
Ladka- kya hua baba ?
Baba- kya hona hai, 30 saal bad khada hua tho
Aaj haath so gaya..
 
 
Sardar : aaj ghr jate hi biwi ki chaddi utarunga.
Dost : aaj bade mood me ho ?
Sardar : ghanta bhenchod, bahut tight hai yaar,
Subah galti se biwi ki pehan li thi.

Ques : shadi me dulhe ke saath
Baarati kyun jate hain ? ? ?
Ans :- kyunki bade kehte hain ki kisiki khushi mein
Jao na jao par musibat me zarur jana chahiye..
 
 
 
Sex ke baad aurat aadmi se boli :-tumari bansuri bahut he choti
Hai, Aadmi ne bola _ mujhe thodi pata tha ke, town-hall'
Me bajani hai

Lady – shoes dikhaiye.
Shopkeeper :- kitne number ka ?
Lady – 36 no.
Shopkeeper :- jaao madam jaao, ghar se soch kar nikla karo
Kyalena hai…

Abhi shaadi ka pehla hi saal tha,
Khushi ke maare mera bura haal tha,
Khushiyaan kuchh yun umad rahin thi,
Ki sambhale nahi sambhal rahi thi ..
Subah subah madam ka chai Le kar aana
Thoda sharmate huye humein neend se jagana,
Wo pyaar bhara hath hamare baalon mein phirana,
Muskurate huye kehna ki..
Darling chai to pi lo, Jaldi se ready ho jao, Aap ko office bhi hai jaana.
Gharwali bhagwan ka roop Le kar aayee thi,
Dil aur dimag par poori tarah chhayee thi,
Saans bhi lete they to naam usee ka hota tha,
I pal bhi door jeena dushwar hota tha..

 

 

 

A Whisper

Whispers

The man whispered, "God, speak to me"
and a meadowlark sang.

But, the man did not hear.

So the man yelled, "God, speak to me"
and the thunder rolled across the sky.

But, the man did not listen.

The man looked around and said,
"God let me see you."
And a star shined brightly.

But the man did not see.

And, the man shouted,
"God show me a miracle."
And, a life was born.

But, the man did not notice.

So, the man cried out in despair,
"Touch me God, and let me know you are here."
Whereupon, God reached down and touched the man.
But, the man brushed the butterfly away .
 

and walked on.

I found this to be a great reminder that God is always around us in the little and

simple things that we take for granted ... even in our electronic age
So I would like to add one more:

The man cried,
"God, I need your help!"
And an e-mail arrived reaching out with good news and encouragement.

But, the man deleted it and continued crying .

Don't miss out on a blessing
because it isn't packaged the way that you expect.

My instructions were to send this to people that I wanted God to bless
and I picked you. Won't you please pass this to people you want to be blessed.

 

 

Inspirational Story About Two Friends

 

The Bear and the Two Travelers" Inspirational Story About Two Friends..

 
 
 Two men were traveling together, when a Bear suddenly met them on their path. One of them climbed up quickly into a tree and concealed himself in the branches.
 

The other, seeing that he must be attacked, fell flat on the ground, and when the Bear came up and felt him with his snout, and smelt him all over, he held his breath, and feigned the appearance of death as much as he could.
 

The Bear soon left him, for it is said he will not touch a dead body. When he was quite gone, the other Traveler descended from the tree, and jocularly inquired of his friend what it was the Bear had whispered in his ear. "He gave me this advice," his companion replied. "Never travel with a friend who deserts you at the approach of danger."
 

Lesson from The story:
 

Never travel with a friend who deserts you at the approach of danger.

 

 

attitude contributes to success

ACRES OF DIAMONDS


There was a farmer in Africa who was happy and content. He was happy because
he was content. He was content because he was happy. One day a wise man came
to him and told him about the glory of diamonds and the power that goes
along with them. The wise man said, "If you had a diamond the size of your
thumb, you could have your own city. If you had a diamond the size of your
fist, you could probably own your own country." And then he went away. That
night the farmer couldn't sleep. He was unhappy and he was discontent. He
was unhappy because he was discontent

and discontent because he was unhappy.


The next morning he made arrangements to sell off his farm, took care of his
family and went in search of diamonds. He looked all over Africa and
couldn't find any. He looked all through Europe and couldn't find any. When
he got to Spain, he was emotionally,
physically and financially broke. He got so disheartened that he threw
himself into the Barcelona River and committed suicide.



Back home, the person who had bought his farm was watering the camels at a
stream that ran through the farm.
Across the stream, the rays of the morning sun hit a stone and made it
sparkle like a rainbow. He thought it would look good on the mantle piece.
He picked up the stone and put it in the living room.



That afternoon the wise man came and
saw the stone sparkling. He asked, "Is Hafiz back?" The new owner said, "No,
why do you ask?" The wise man said, "Because that is a diamond. I recognize
one when I see one." The man said, no, that's just a stone I picked up from
the stream. Come, I'll show you. There are many more." They went and picked
some samples and sent them for analysis. Sure enough, the stones were
diamonds. They found that the farm was indeed
covered with acres and acres of diamonds.

* *

*What is the moral of this story?*



There are five morals:



1. When our attitude is right, we realize that we are all walking on acres
and acres of diamonds. Opportunity is always under our feet. We don't have
to go anywhere. All we need to do is recognize it.


2. The grass on the other side always looks greener.


3. While we are dyeing the grass on the other side, there are others who are
dyeing the grass on our side. They would be happy to trade places with us.


4. When people don't know how to recognize opportunity, they complain of
noise when it knocks.


5. The same opportunity never knocks twice. The next one may be better or
worse, but it is never the same one.



A study attributed to Harvard University found that when a person gets a
job, 85% of the time it is because of their attitude, and only 15% of the
time because of how smart they are and how many facts and figures they know.
Surprisingly, almost 100% of education dollars go to teach facts and figures
which account for only 15% of success in work!


--
If you can't be a pencil to write anyone's happiness, try at least to be a
nice rubber to erase everyone's sorrows....

When I was born I was given a choice of either being a brilliant lover or
having an amazing memory, unfortunately I forgot which one I chose.

I used to scintillate - now I sin 'til just half past three

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.